Mourning Handbook The Most Comprehensive Resource Offering Practical and Compassionate Advice on Coping With All Aspects of Death and Dying

Chapter 1 FACTS ABOUT GRIEFLet's begin by providing you with some basic information that you need to have about this little-understood human experience.1.1 DefinitionsGriefIf you are grieving, you are familiar with the feeling, but what is grief exactly? Webster's New World Dictionary gives as its primary definition "intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune, etc.; acute sorrow; deep sadness."Grief is the emotion experienced by Darlene, a young client of mine who had flown home for a surprise visit on her mother's birthday, only to learn at the airport that her mother had died a few hours earlier. Darlene's sudden feelings of disbelief, panic, and anger are part of what we call grief, and it is what you may be experiencing right now.MourningMourning, on the other hand, is defined by the same dictionary as "the actions or feelings of someone who mourns; specifically, the expression of grief at someone's death." The key words here are actions and expression. When an uncle told Darlene of her mother's death, she fell into his arms, weeping hysterically. She was mourning her mother's death. Her mourning continued as she cried with her family, expressed her anger, discharged her feelings of regret for not coming sooner, and took part in the wake and funeral. When you are expressing your grief, you are mourning.Although grief is most commonly associated with the death of a loved one, it can be experienced whenever there is an important loss in one's life, such as the loss of eyesight or hearing, a sharp decline in one's health, marital separation and divorce, or the loss of one's job. In all these cases mourning is an appropriate and often necessary response. If you have suffered a particularly severe loss, you may need to mourn just as much as someone who has lost a loved one. While this book focuses on the grief following a death, it can be helpful in dealing with other losses as well.1.2 When Does Grief Begin?Grief can begin whenever there is a loss or a perception of impending loss, but the three most common occasions are:a. the time of diagnosis of a terminal illness,b. the time of death, andc. the time of learning about the death of a loved one.When the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but your husband has brain cancer and it is inoperable," the hope for a cure changes to the prospect of impending death for the loved one, and the emotions of grief are likely to begin.Sometimes grief begins at the time of death. At the moment that one's wife slumps over in her chair, has no pulse, and fails to respond to resuscitation, the realization that she is dead triggers the emotion of grief.Grief may also begin at the time one learns about a loved one's death, whenever that might be. A young man whose mother was estranged from the family had rare, treasured contacts with her. Because of his mother's life-style of moving frequently, there wasn't an address or telephone where he could reach her, and he had to depend on her contacting him. When she died in an auto accident, it was several weeks before the family was notified of her death. His grief began when he got the belated news.1.3 How Long Does Grief Last?Since grief is painful, you undoubtedly want to know how long you will have to endure this powerful emotion. Pain is generally more tolerable if we know it's going to end sometime.A shorthand answer concerning the duration of grief is that it will take as long as it needs to take. It will take longer for some people than others, depending on the nature of their relationship to the deceased, the circumstances of the death, their support systems, how they cope with adversity, what else is going on in their lives, and the resources they have available to them.A young man called me one day to say that he was worried aboFitzgerald, Helen is the author of 'Mourning Handbook The Most Comprehensive Resource Offering Practical and Compassionate Advice on Coping With All Aspects of Death and Dying' with ISBN 9780684801612 and ISBN 0684801612.