In the Best Interest of the Child How to Protect Your Child from the Pain of Your Divorce

The Demise of Family Life During warfare over child custody, were you to ask the parents about their motives, each would contend that he or she is acting in their child's best interest. This assertion likely would be followed by withering criticism of the other parent. Two human beings who vowed to spend their lives together have become the bitterest of enemies. By the time these parents are litigants in a custody battle, they can hardly recall what qualities attracted them to each other. In fact, even when pressed neither may be able to come up with any positive statement about his or her spouse. The threat by one parent to destroy the other in some fashion is not necessarily empty. I have seen it happen, psychologically and financially. During protracted warfare parents imperil their health, their jobs, their relationships, and, of course, their children's sense of security and well-being. To finance custody battles, parents have depleted their savings, dipped into retirement funds, invaded their children's college accounts, secured second mortgages, and borrowed from their own families. How much of an impact does your divorce have on your kids? On the one hand, some experts claim that living through a family breakup invariably results in permanent psychological scars. The opposite camp of experts believe that little lasting damage is done because children are amazingly resilient. Realistically, the impact depends on the dynamics of your family and the psychological makeup of your child. I have found that, no matter what the situation, children are hurt when the two human beings upon whom they depend most part company. I have yet to encounter a case of divorce in which the offspring do not experience intense sadness, considerable anxiety, and confusion. No matter how resilient he may appear, no child is immune to suffering during a family breakup, even if he remains materially comfortable, continues to perform well in school, and spends time with each of two devoted parents. An intelligent, poised, and unusually mature thirteen-year-old girl whose parents had separated seemed to be handling her situation with little difficulty. She remained an honor roll student, had lots of friends, and was able to continue living in the family home with her mother and sister while spending regular periods of time with her father. The school counselor told me that, other than what he learned from the parents, he never would have suspected anything was awry at home. This child was adept at hiding her misery. Near tears, she told me that more than anything else she wanted to spend equal time with her mom and dad. The issue wasn't so much the division of time but missing the life she had known for most of her thirteen years. She was very aware of her parents conflicts, but these meant little to her. As she pointed out, these were their differences with each other, and she was not part of that. She lived with and loved both and, as children do, took for granted that every day she would live in one home with her mother and her father. She resented having to divide her time between two homes and grieved losing the family that she regarded as the bedrock of her existence. Was this young adolescent traumatized for life by her parents' divorce? I doubt it. She still had strong relationships with both parents, who were psychologically sensitive and did their best to help and support her. She was able to remain in the same neighborhood and attend the same school, and she was afforded the opportunity to discuss her problems with a skilled therapist. Despite these favorable circumstances, unanswered questions remain: What loyalty issues did she inwardly contend with? To what extent was her trust in her parents and other adults shaken? If the two adults who were her anchor had let her down, could she feel confident that any relationship could survive conflict? How did her parents' divorce affect her hope oSamenow, Stanton E. is the author of 'In the Best Interest of the Child How to Protect Your Child from the Pain of Your Divorce' with ISBN 9780812931891 and ISBN 0812931890.