I Hate Valentine's Day

Chapter Three: Emergency Dating So you've rethought V-Day. You've deprogrammed your brain, deconstructed your expectations, and reset your meter. You judiciously considered puppies and babies and other innocent creatures. That's great. But you still want a date for the big helliday. You just do! Because, whatever, it's the point.I can't say that I approve. Weren't you paying any attention to the last chapter? Your entire love life does not hinge on this one day. But I also understand that it is not my approval you are after. You are seeking a V-Date. Don't look at me -- I've already got mine lined up.Every year, around February 10 or so, people stop fooling themselves. Up until this date, it is easy to tell yourself that you are FINE, JUST FINE with spending the blessed day by yourself. However, no matter how healthy your attitude, it becomes easier and easier for your resolve to crack as the day approaches. The peer pressure becomes too much to take. Friends start planning elaborate, show-offy displays of affection involving horsedrawn carriages or flying dirigibles. On the side of every passing bus, V-Day-oriented advertisements taunt you with their saccharine, passive-aggressive slogans. The final straw is always (always) the Very Special Valentine's Day episode ofLaw and Order: Special Victims Unit.Before you know it, all your carefully cultivated resolve is out the window. You need a date, and you have less than four days to find one.Never fear. It's totally doable. But before you camp out on the street corner with a sign that readsWILL WORK FOR DATE,you have to figure out what you're hoping to get out of it. This is a more complicated question than you might realize, and you are advised to tread carefully in your decision, lest you choose a partner for your "romantic low-key evening" who is more inclined to take you to a sex party or swingers' club. Section 1: My V-Date, Myself So why, exactly, do you want a V-Date? Be honest. Remember, no matter what answer you choose, thousands of other singlefolk are looking for the same exact thing.A. I want to get laid!How forthright of you to admit it. I don't really get why it is more important to have sex on V-Day than on any other day of the year -- is it some superstitious thing? -- but I certainly understand the desire for a healthy serving of casual, self-esteem-boosting sex. One little-known secret about Valentine's Day is that it is one of the craziest nights of the year. It is even more out of control than New Year's Eve or Halloween, because people are desperate to forget how hellacious the whole event is, and they tend to accomplish this by getting rowdy, wasted, and naked. Everyone has spent the week leading up to the day stressing out, and when it finally rolls around, bang! The drunken orgies just sort of...happen. What I'm saying here is that your desire for hot V-Day sex shouldn't be too difficult to accomplish. Just do yourself a big favor by being at least marginally choosy about your partner. Try not to get scabies. Have fun!B. I want a distraction.Congratulations! You have picked the most sensible of answers. You don't care all that much who your Valentine's date is with, as long as he or she is interesting enough to hold your attention for a couple of hours. The goal here is to get out of the house, flirt a little bit, and, if possible, forget that it is the fourteenth of February. A bronzed Adonis or swimsuit model would be nice, but only if he or she comes with a passable sense of humor or something to say.No problemo.This type of date is not hard to come by. Give yourself a pat on the back for setting such a realistic goal for yourself.C. I want to make my ex jealous.Oh, you vengeful creature. This is the most karmically unfortunate answer you could pick. Maybe that is also why it is one of the most difficultMadison, Bennett is the author of 'I Hate Valentine's Day', published 2004 under ISBN 9780689873720 and ISBN 0689873727.