Finding Alice

Chapter Two Drink Me So here I am, several weeks into my fall term at Portland State. It's my senior year, and I am lugging my stuff up the stairs to my new studio apartment on the edge of campus. It's raining sheets of bullet-size drops outside, which doesn't help the hideous cold I've been fighting all week. I cough and hack as I dig through my backpack until I locate my precious Robitussin, which I guzzle straight from the bottle as if it's labeled "drink me," like the bottle for that other Alice.But this helps to numb my aching throat as well as to dull my senses. Anyway, this is what I tell myself as I replace the childproof lid and survey my dismal new surroundings. The apartment is small and dark, with only one window, and it smells as if the last tenant smoked heavily. Not for the first time today, I wonder why on earth I am doing this. I know I never would've left the security of my dorm room if I hadn't planned to share this particular space with my boyfriend, Shay Reynolds. Naturally, I haven't divulged this information to my mom since I know she'll freak. Not that we talk much, but I figured I should let her know about my change of address. This is especially important due to the fact that she's still helping with my college expenses since my dad's Social Security doesn't quite cover everything. But in the case of my mom, ignorance really is bliss. Anyway, I had decided, with Shay's loving encouragement, that since this was my senior year, it was about time for me to experience a little freedom, a little autonomy, maybe even a little fun. Besides, with graduation not too far off, I knew I could get a job if my mom eventually found out and pulled the plug on me. Then, less than a week after I'd paid my nonrefundable deposit and signed the six-month lease, Shay decided to break up with me. I guess I should've suspected something when he informed me that he didn't want to sign the lease since his credit rating was in the toilet. For a "smarter than average girl," I can be awfully gullible. "It's not you," he kindly assured me just a few days ago. As if that's not the oldest line in the book. Then he pushed a lock of sandy hair off his forehead and tossed me one of his famous smiles. "It's me, Alice. I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment yet. I hope you can understand." "Understand?" I echoed meekly, although I wanted to cry out, Why are you doing this to me? "No, I guess not. It's probably for the best." He patted me on the back. "You're so cool, Alice. I really hope we can keep being friends." I nodded and said, "Sure," then turned away in time to escape being seen with two streams of tears running down my face. I don't like to cry in public. But I did cry myself to sleep for the next two nights. Last night I didn't cry. But I didn't sleep either. I just kept replaying every single scene of our relationship through my head. Shay and I had been together for nearly a year, and I guess I really thought it would last forever. Besides Tommy Randall back in fifth grade, I suppose this was my first real boyfriend, and I felt as if someone had punched me and drained the very breath of life out of me. But I suppose that's being overly melodramatic. Anyway, I'm sure that's what my mom would say. Naturally, I've never told her anything about Shay. Why would I? I knew she would not approve of my dating a boy who didn't go to church, not to mention "fornicatinCarlson, Melody is the author of 'Finding Alice', published 2003 under ISBN 9781578567737 and ISBN 1578567734.